


Here

by trippieseojoon



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 20:43:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14553153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippieseojoon/pseuds/trippieseojoon
Summary: Jeongyeon's always been there and always will be.





	Here

**Author's Note:**

> This was very loosely inspired by Post Malone's Stay as well as a variety of other indie bops.

“Is this what I think it is?”

 

He blinks, the words on his tongue suddenly feeling sticky, “What?”

 

“You're… You’re about to tell me you're gay too, right? Don't worry. I've known since we became friends.”

 

The excitement making Jeongyeon’s shoulders tense is making him do the exactly the opposite of what she wants. He's worrying because expectation is overflowing in her eyes. The sun reflecting in them isn't as mesmerizing anymore. He looks off elsewhere, eyes following someone on their bike in the distance. His anxiety is making them a blur. 

 

“Um…”

 

“Is it not that?”

 

“No, not exactly.” 

 

“Then, what? You're telling me you're  _ straight _ _?”_ laughter fills the air, “Sorry, Chae, but I'm not--”

 

“I think I  _ am _ straight. I-- I think I'm a boy. I mean, I am.” 

 

The light in Jeongyeon's eyes isn't there anymore, despite a single cloud not covering the sun. Her furrowed brow looks like food melted on the sidewalk: disgusting. He feels more ill the longer he watches Jeongyeon's expression. The weight on his shoulders is heavier now than before and he wasn't expecting it to be like this. Jeongyeon’s reaction, sure. But not this feeling.

 

“You think you're a boy.”

 

“I'm trans. Yeah.”

 

“How long have you…?”

 

“Awhile. You're the first one I'm telling.” 

 

“Hey.” 

 

Having hidden his face in his hands for brief moment, he looks up to meet Jeongyeon's concerned gaze. The distance closes between them as she scoots across the grass to sit right in front of him.

 

“You're not gonna start crying, are you?” 

 

The glint in her eyes is back, stronger than before. Her eyes always shine when she teases. Unable to stop his relief from showing, he just smirks. Maybe he is gonna start crying. His nose is running. His throat kind of hurts and he struggles to swallow before laughing at his lack of self-control. 

 

Jeongyeon shoves his shoulder before grinning.

 

“Don't cry like a fucking girl.”

 

Scoffing, he laughs as Jeongyeon pops up and urges him to follow. 

 

➰➰➰

 

“It’s--”

 

“Hey, he goes by Jiwon now, remember?”

 

Jeongyeon corrects Dahyun before he can do it himself. He catches the warm smile on Jeongyeon's lips before she goes back to eating her lunch.

 

“Sorry. I definitely forgot.” 

 

“It's fine.” he genuinely insists. 

 

His other friends have been good with it. Generally, anyway. No one reacted badly when he'd come out to them and he wants to take what he can get. But it takes two weeks for him to realize that all he's been getting is forgetful minds and inconsiderate slip-ups. It takes two weeks for him to realize that he  _ can't  _ handle it. It isn't fair, he thinks. 

 

Staying in the closet, being out… They both feel like shit. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

It's after school when Jeongyeon suddenly appears, grabbing his shoulder to stop him on the sidewalk. They usually walk home together. Jeongyeon's company is always great, but it doesn't make anything better. Not right now. He'd rather be alone. At least, that's what he thinks until Jeongyeon slips an arm under his. 

 

“You okay?”

 

“Me? Fine.”

 

They walk in silence for awhile before Jeongyeon insists, “I'm about to drop Rina and Dahyun from the group. They're being dumb bitches.”

 

“I'm not expecting everyone to be good with everything so soon. They’re--”

 

“Well, I am.”

 

It  _ must _ be all in his head, the way Jeongyeon has been glowing since that day in the park.

 

➰➰➰

 

“What the fuck--? Jiwon,  _ how?” _

 

He can't stop cackling, “It sucks, doesn't it?”

 

“Well, yeah. Especially since I'm gifted up here.” 

 

Jeongyeon, as uncomfortable as she looks, looks hilarious. The binder is definitely too small for her. Despite the fat being forced out of the constricting top, Jiwon can't stop focusing on the small marks and blemishes on her shoulders. They're pretty, complementing her as if they belong there. He's never seen her topless before. 

 

“I feel bad for you. There's no way you can breathe in this.”

 

“You are correct.”

 

“Here, give me one of your shirts. I wanna see how I look.”

 

Jiwon gets her his favorite band shirt from the closet and watches in amusement as she hurries to put it on so she can go back to the mirror.

 

“I mean, I look pretty hot.”

 

“Both ways, though.”

 

Jiwon is smiling until their gazes meet in the mirror. Jeongyeon seems pleasantly surprised, but they don't linger on the fact. She goes back to checking herself out within the second and Jiwon decides to sit himself on his bed. He feels relaxed and it's always hard to wrap his head around, despite it always being around Jeongyeon. He's not in a binder. The shorts he's wearing definitely are old ones from freshman year, definitely not from the men’s section. 

 

Yet, he's comfortable. 

 

“Okay, I'm over it. I'm gonna die if I don't get out of this fucking thing.”

 

Even after Jeongyeon disappears behind the bathroom door, there's still a smile on his lips.

 

➰➰➰

 

Jiwon just isn't sure if he's understanding correctly. 

 

“Do you not want to?” Jeongyeon lifts a brow, leaning back against the bookshelf. Hidden away in the back of the library, they've just been killing time by making fun of the sex-ed books. 

 

He isn't sure how going on a double-date with Jiyeon and her girlfriend came up. 

 

“No, I don't  _ not  _ want to. I just-- Won't that be weird?”

 

“How? They want me to go. I need a date. You've been wanting to see the new Kingsmen movie. You need a date. We're both single. Why not?”

 

“I don't need a date. I wasn't even invited.”

 

“Yeah, dipshit. I'm inviting you.” 

 

“But--” Jeongyeon suddenly starts walking down the aisle, looking at books she can't possibly care about. Jiwon is right on her heels, “You’re gay.”

 

“It's not a serious date, Jiwon.” 

 

“I just think I would feel weird.”

 

“I mean, it's me. You shouldn't feel weird about it. Now  _ I  _ feel weird. You're making it weird.” 

 

“I just--”

 

“Okay, just forget about it. It's okay.”

 

Jeongyeon is about to turn to go down another isle when Jiwon grabs her arm. He wasn't rushing. Or maybe he was, because his heart is pounding against his ribcage. 

 

“No, I'll go. You're right. It's not a big deal.”

 

“Attaboy.” 

 

➰➰➰

 

It's a big deal. 

 

Not only is it uncomfortable, but it's discouraging. Jiyeon and her girlfriend, Luda, have been good with pronouns. They've also been good at completely ignoring the fact that they're not  _ all  _ girls. They would never talk about embarrassing first period stories if a cis guy were around. They wouldn't ask a cis guy how old he was when he first got his period. That wouldn't be a thing. 

 

All together in the food court, Jiwon decides to exit the conversation as soon as he can. Eventually, they're all so caught up in their conversations that they stop making an effort to include him. He's only slightly relieved. He just wants to go home. They haven't even seen the movie yet. 

 

It's his fault for having expectations, but his weighted mood is even heavier because Jeongyeon’s been going along with it the entire time. 

 

He doesn't even think she's noticed his mood until they all start heading to the theater. She starts slowing down, letting Jiyeon and Luda get ahead of them some before she reaches to grab his hand. 

 

“You okay? You seem out of it.”

 

“Fine.” he shrugs.

 

He can feel her gaze on him, but he ignores it and just focuses on getting into the theater. 

 

“Hey, you guys go ahead and find seats. I actually think I'm gonna get another drink. We’ll find you guys.”

 

Jiyeon and Luda go in without even questioning it. Which is odd because it's obvious Jeongyeon is concerned. Jiwon doesn't want to talk about it, but she's determined to get something out of him.

 

“What's wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Don't play this shit with me. You're obviously upset. I'm not gonna keep going back-and-forth with you about it, so tell me.” 

 

“I'm not making you. Let's just go watch the movie.” 

 

His nonchalant attitude isn't fooling her. It's annoying her. She gets a judgemental squint in her eyes as she says, “Stop acting like a pissy chick.” 

 

“Can you  _ stop _ fucking saying stuff like that?”

 

It catches the both of them off guard. He's not going to ignore the fact that he's angry. It's not even Jeongyeon’s fault. He's just over tonight. He's about ready to just walk off when Jeongyeon asks again, a lot more worried, “Can you tell me what's wrong, please…?”

 

“This-- This was just stupid. I knew it was gonna end up like this and I just don't like hanging out with your friends. I don't wanna be a part of  _ this _ anymore, like, this circle. They're treating me like I'm like them.”

 

“You--”

 

“And I'm not. I'm not a girl. I'm not a lesbian.”

 

It takes a moment, but Jeongyeon gets it. Jiwon starts to feel bad the second the realization paints her expression. 

 

“I didn't even think about what they've been saying, honestly. I'm sorry. I know we've talked about this before too. I completely checked out on it.” she shakes her head, mind still processing things, “I'm sorry.”

 

“It's not your fault.”

 

“I should have said something to them before we even all met up.”

 

“It's fine, Jeong.” making an effort at his own apology, he reaches out to tug at the hem of Jeongyeon's tee, “Let's go in. The previews are probably ending soon.”

 

She smiles, regret still showing. He reaches for her hand without a second thought and leads them to the door. He swears he can hear her grin as he mutters, “Fuck them anyway. I'm not gonna let them ruin my date with you.”

 

➰➰➰

 

“Okay. I wanna ask something.” 

 

“Okay…”

 

“It might be weird.”

 

“As if everything else that you say isn't.” 

 

They're both laying out on his bed, only a little distance and an ashtray separating them. He blows cigarette smoke out of his nose as she speaks up again. 

 

“Do you like… When you yank one out, do you imagine you have a dick?” 

 

“Literally, what the--?”

 

“I was just curious!” Jeongyeon yells, “I was reading something this morning and got curious.”

 

“What were you reading?”

 

She rolls over so she can prop herself up on her elbows, “None of your business.”

 

“That’s nice.”

 

“So…?”

 

“I--” he isn't sure why or how he brings himself to answer, “I don't really. Like, ever. It's weird.”

 

“It's because it doesn't match, right?”

 

“Yeah. It just makes me uncomfortable.” 

 

“I get that.” 

 

He sits up and puts out his cigarette. He's a bit too warm in his clothes now. Embarrassment keeps him from looking towards Jeongyeon. She hums before asking something else. 

 

“So, what about with other people?”

 

_ “Other people? _ What people?” 

 

“I mean, like,  _ if  _ you were gonna smash somebody. Would you let them touch you?” 

 

“I really wanna know what you were reading.” 

 

“I just wanna understand you more. Aren't you the one who kept insisting that you're “not a trans textbook” and that Google exists?” 

 

“Yeah, but--”

 

“Don't condemn me for learning. How dare you?”

 

Jeongyeon must be warm too. Just like the snarkiness in her voice, the blush on her cheeks is prominent. 

 

➰➰➰

 

“Proud of you.”

 

Their high-five echoes throughout the empty gym. After a much needed pep-talk from Jeongyeon, he finally worked up the courage to go to the guys’ locker room. Granted, they'd waited until the gym cleared, but still. 

 

“You know, splitting bathrooms up is dumb. It--”

 

“Hey, Chaeyoung!” 

 

They both turn around at the same time to see Nayeon, a girl from their history class, coming out of the girls’ locker room. 

 

“I heard you were trying to be a boy now. What does that mean exactly--?”

 

“If you heard, you'd be calling  _ him  _ Jiwon.” 

 

“I wasn't trying to be mean or anything. I'm just--”

 

Jeongyeon scoffs, “Give me a break.” 

 

“I just wanted to ask. He hasn't started transitioning yet, anyway. So, it's not that big of a deal. Isn't it weird to use a different name when you're still--?”

 

“You're not even friends with him. It's none of your business and you literally don't know what you're talking about.”

 

“Are you just jealous of her or something?” Nayeon’s true colors start to seep into her tone as she gives all her attention to Jeongyeon, “Do you wanna be a  _ boy _ too?” 

 

“Call him a her one more time, you--”

 

Forcing himself to come back down to Earth, Jiwon reaches for Jeongyeon as she steps forward. Nayeon tries to laugh off her fear, but she doesn't do it well. She rolls her eyes before dropping it and strolling past them. 

 

“Dumb bitch.” Jeongyeon sneers towards her as she heads out the gym.

 

“That was…”

 

“Stupid. That's what it was. She's just a bitch.”

 

“You're more mad than me, I think. I-- I’m not gonna even let that get to me.” 

 

It's a lie and they both know it. But Jeongyeon appreciates his effort to smile. Offering his hand, he just laughs as Jeongyeon playfully looks it over. 

 

They're walking towards the cafeteria when Jeongyeon mumbles, “I said it earlier, but I'm proud of you.”

 

➰➰➰

 

Jeongyeon has been complaining about the cold since getting to Sana’s. It doesn't make sense, why she insisted on joining him outside while he smoked. He can't focus on anything else but the way she's shivering. It's kind of funny because she's in beat with the music blasting from the house. When Jeongyeon notices his smile, she grimaces.

 

“Can you hurry the fuck up? Stop looking at me and focus on giving yourself cancer.”

 

“I'm not holding you hostage out here. Go back inside.”

 

“Me, drunk. Alone with all those gross frat guys Sana invited? I don't think so.”

 

“If I was with you, not much I could do if something happened. I'm little. I'm drunk too.” he takes a deep inhale of his light, “Which means lazy.”

 

“I love when you show how much you care. Makes me swoon every time.”

 

The porch lights can't be it. They're too dull and dirty to create the kind of light in Jeongyeon's eyes. It only takes a couple seconds of them staring at each other for smiles to erupt on their lips.

 

“I can't believe people are attracted to guys like that.”

 

“Guys like what?”

 

“Fucking frat guys. You're more mature than all of them in there and we're not even in college yet.”

 

“Thank god.”

 

“You're better looking than all of them too.”

 

“Sounds like a valid opinion coming from a lesbian.”

 

Jeongyeon wraps her arms around her body tighter as she looks out towards the yard to watch the drunken antics of some random chicks, “You know, I kinda like going by queer nowadays.”

 

He lifts a brow, waiting for Jeongyeon to acknowledge his look of surprise. She never does.

 

“When’d that become a thing?”

 

“I don't know. It just did.” 

 

“That's cool.” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

His cigarette is more or less just the butt. He rolls it around between his fingertips  for a moment , as if that will rid the silence between them, before tossing it out into the yard. Jeongyeon's staring at him, but he can't bring himself to look over. He regrets forcing himself to. 

 

He knows he's heard variations of a phrase about how alcohol always brings the truth to light, to the surface.

 

So, maybe he can blame the way Jeongyeon’s eyes shine on the alcohol. But he definitely can't blame it on the lighting anymore. He can't blame it on the sun. Not on her childish moods. He can't even blame it on the pretty brown Jeongyeon's irises are colored with.

 

It's something he sees because Jeongyeon wants him to. 

 

That's something he's always been happy about. He's accepting that now. Jeongyeon's always been pretty. It's not just the alcohol making him want to step closer. It's her eyes. It's the faint red tint of her lips, the fact that Jeongyeon most certainly wore make-up because they were hanging out together. 

 

It's just her. 

 

It only takes a couple of steps to close the distance between their bodies. Jeongyeon's shivering stops until he touches her. He focuses on his own fingers as he grasps her chin and wonders if she can smell the smoke on them. She probably can. She probably hates it, but she's not moving.

 

“If you kiss me, I'm not gonna let you stop.” she quietly warns.

 

“Okay.”

 

Her hands pull him closer by the fronts of his jacket as their lips meet. 

 

Not only does he wonder why he hadn't done this sooner, but he wonders how someone with such a dirty mouth could taste so sweet. 

 

He'll have to ask her.

 

But later. 

 

➰➰➰

 

“You're not my boyfriend, but we kiss a lot.” 

 

“That sounds like the name of an indie rock song. Is this gonna turn into a proposition to start a band? I'm here for it.” 

 

He's smiling even more now, not only because Jeongyeon's embarrassed, but because she's smiling too. She lets her head fall as she laughs, but meets his eyes again with a curious gaze, “I'm just saying. Is that okay?”

 

“Is that… Is that okay with you?” 

 

“I don't know.”

 

There's common things that make Jiwon’s stomach flip when it comes to Jeongyeon. There's the way she mutters “fuck you” against his mouth whenever they're making out and he goes to snap her bra strap as hard as he can. The way she blushes definitely gets the butterflies going. She likes to bury her face in the crook of his neck whenever they lie down together. That always gets him too. 

 

But the most common thing that gets his stomach feeling funny is the way her voice gets soft whenever she's nervous. 

 

With cautious eyes, he asks, “So, what do you want?” 

 

“We may as well say we’re dating, right? That's not weird, is it?”

 

“I guess not.” he tries not to smile as he feigns nonchalantly, “But who said I wanted a girlfriend, though?”

 

It takes about two seconds for the fear to appear in Jeongyeon's eyes. Two more seconds for her to realize he's kidding. Then, just one second for her to smack a grin right onto his face. She makes an effort to reach across the table to shove him one more time before getting up. He can't stop laughing.

 

“Don't fucking talk to me anymore.”

 

“I'll be waiting near the bus stop for you after school, okay?” he calls out to her as she starts stomping off towards class.

 

“Whatever!” 

 

➰➰➰

 

He feels bad, talking about himself so much. Jeongyeon is the one that brought it up, but there's no way she wants to hear all of this. Jiwon doesn't even want to. These are the things he likes to keep to himself, but he can't do that forever. He's realizing that now, as getting it all off of his chest is making him feel almost euphoric. 

 

“I just kinda wish I was born someone else.”

 

“Even if it was as a girl?”

 

“Yeah. I mean, at least I'd be happy. Normal.”

 

“You're not  _ not  _ normal. It's just you're living in the wrong body. People are born in the wrong body sometimes. It happens.”

 

“I just wish it didn't happen to me.”

 

He lets out a sigh of relief as Jeongyeon moves over on the bed so she can drape an arm around his stomach. He always feels better when she's close. It's scary sometimes, as he can't believe that one person can have so much power over him. But it being Jeongyeon somehow makes sense. He wouldn't want it to be anyone else. 

 

“You're who you are because you're who you are… you know? I know _you're_ not, but other people are glad you're you.” 

 

“You don't count.”

 

He looks to her with a playful smirk. Her hand goes to the top of his chest and fingers graze up to run along his neck and jaw. 

 

“You're not wrong.  _ You _ should be glad you're you, not other people. It doesn't really matter what I think, does it?” 

 

“I think it does. But only you. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.” 

 

“Sounds good to me.” she beams softly, finger tracing his bottom lip. 

 

➰➰➰

 

He isn't sure. The reflection can't be accurate. His hips are gone, but he has to just be seeing things. It's nice that his binder isn't showing under the white button-up, but is it just the dressing room lighting that's keeping it from being obvious? It's a tight shirt. It's probably gonna show. 

 

“I like it better without the jacket.” Jeongyeon insists as he reaches to grab the blazer off its hanger again.

 

“I don't.”

 

“Your binder isn't showing. The white isn't see-through, I promise.” 

 

He takes a deep breath in an effort to get his head right. When his eyes go back to the mirror, they focus on his hips again. These pants are too tight. They have to be making his body look weird. He's gotten so used to wearing loose jeans that this is making his dysphoria skyrocket. He wants to take this off already. 

 

He starts to unbutton the shirt, but Jeongyeon wraps her arms around him from behind and grabs his hands.

 

“You look  _ fine. _ ” 

 

“It fits weird.”

 

“You look masc as fuck, babe.” 

 

“I don't know--” 

 

“At least let me enjoy how hot you look for a little longer.” 

 

He can't meet her gaze in the mirror, as she's too busy trailing her eyes all along his body. His neck gets hot and he suddenly feels like they're too close. The look in her eyes is unfamiliar. He isn't able to question or poke fun at it because the hand that goes to rest at the top of his slacks catches him off guard. His eyes widen, even more so as Jeongyeon wonders.

 

“Maybe we should get you a packer. Do you think that will help?”

 

“Uh.” he looks away as soon as their gazes meet, “I don't know.”

 

The fabric of the pants makes the pressure of her fingertips tickle. It's pleasant, but he can't relax his stiff frame. It's a weird feeling, he thinks. On one hand, he wants nothing more than to have the correct parts between his legs.

 

On the other, right now, he's beyond thankful that he doesn't because it would certainly give him even more reason to be embarrassed under Jeongyeon's stare. 

 

➰➰➰

 

He's glad he let Jeongyeon pick their colors. The dark purple dress looks amazing on her and he still isn't over how beautiful she looks. He doesn't want to say it, as he knows Jeongyeon will scoff and maybe even gag about being called such a word. Her hair is up for once, some loose strands tucked behind her ears. Her make-up is different and in only the best kind of way. 

 

“I can't take you seriously with you looking at me like that.” she says.

 

“Sorry. It's not my fault you look amazing.” he smiles as she looks off elsewhere sheepishly, “I wish you hadn't worn heels, though.”

 

“It's not my fault you're a fucking midget.” 

 

Slowly swaying to the music, the people around them had been forgotten a long time ago. His nerves are gone now and it's all because of her. He never even imagined going to Spring Formal until she mentioned it. She'd been good at keeping it contained, but it'd been obvious how excited she was planning for it. It even had started to rub off on him a little bit. 

 

He doesn't want to stop dancing, but Jeongyeon's friends joining them gives him no choice. Whenever her friends come around, she knows his first instinct is to recoil. That's why she forces him in front of her and holds him from behind. She knows it bothers him too, but not because of the spotlight it puts him in. 

 

It makes him feel like a girl whenever Jeongyeon holds him like this. 

 

It's beyond stupid, he knows that. So, he lets it happen in an effort to shake off the dumb toxic masculinity that's started to grow on him. He's still a guy no matter how Jeongyeon holds him or treats him. Nothing needs to make him think any differently. This is her way of forcing him to truly believe that. 

 

He appreciates it. Just like the way he appreciates Jeongyeon's indirect reassurance.

 

“Doesn't he look good? I wish I could say I picked this out for him, but he actually has a good sense of style.”

 

Somi doesn't even hesitate to respond, “If only all guys looked like you, Jiwon. Then maybe I'd be interested.”

 

“Like hell you would.” Chungha, her girlfriend, utters. 

 

“You two do look  _ really _ good together.”

 

Jiyeon’s comment must really get to Jeongyeon, as her voice gets brighter as she responds, “I think so too.”  

 

➰➰➰

 

“You really--”

 

“Look, you got me a corsage.”

 

“So you got me a dick?”

 

Sitting on Jeongyeon's bed, he just gazes down at the box in his hands. He's seen this packer online plenty and never thought he'd actually own one, let alone this one. He's been really considering it ever since Jeongyeon brought it up, but something's been keeping him from buying one. His eyes widen as he catches a number at the bottom corner of the box.

 

“This is  _ five _ inches.”

 

“You have big feet.”

 

“No I don't--” 

 

“I just want my boyfriend to have a big dick, okay?” she turns around from her vanity mirror, hair finally brushed out, with a goofy grin on her face. 

 

“You know I can't actually, like, put this in you--”

 

“Oh my god.” she whips back around, “Yes! Ew. I know that. That's not what I meant at all. Why would you say that?” 

 

They're both laughing, Jiwon maybe a bit harder than he should be. He tosses the box to the side as he relishes in his amusement. Jeongyeon disappears for a moment, heading to the bathroom so she can wash her face. When she comes back, he starts chuckling again the second they meet eyes. Still in her dress, she leans against the door frame.

 

“You gotta open it. I wanna see how it looks.” 

 

“Do you, though?” he teases as he grabs it to start tearing it open, “I can't believe this.”

 

Not so deep down, he’s beyond excited. He opens it like the present it is and just smiles as he takes in the wrapped up silicone. It's so big and he almost doesn't even want to pull it out the box. It's not as squishy as he'd been expecting it to be. Once he gets it out of the plastic, he's surprised by how soft the material feels. 

 

“Weird…” he mutters to himself and he squeezes it in his hand.

 

It's certainly nowhere close to his skin tone, not like it matters much. He has no idea how he's gonna get it to sit in his pants comfortable. It's not super thick, but it's still long. The balls are small at least. Letting it flop in the air as he waves it, he looks towards Jeongyeon. He's sure he's a bit red already, but catching her admirable gaze makes his cheeks warm up immediately. 

 

“There's no way I'm gonna be able to fit this in my pants and make it look normal.”

 

“Only one way to find out.” 

 

She goes to her dresser and pulls something out of it. Another package. She tosses it to him. Surprise takes him once more. It's boxer briefs, but ones made for packing. It's the fancy kind too. The expensive ones. He just looks to her in disbelief, “How much did all this cost?”

 

“A lot. So, you better model it for me.”

 

He gets up on weak knees and with a smile he can't rid, “Okay, okay. Give me a minute.”

 

“Take your time, big boy.”

 

He just yells in disgust and embarrassment as he heads into the bathroom. 

 

It takes longer than expected. He doesn't know where to position it. It's way too noticeable in some spots, not noticeable enough in others. The tight boxers keep everything in place, though. There's a ring he can put the length of it through so he can move it wherever he wants. 

 

After a good five minutes, he finds a sweet spot. He wants it to be a little noticeable. It'll give Jeongyeon something to tease him about. But nothing's gonna make his confidence falter. It looks so cool. The mirror above the sink is big enough that he can step back and get a good look at it. The bulge looks surreal once he puts his pants back on. 

 

Tucking in his shirt again, he gives himself another once over before going out. 

 

Walking with it is a bit odd. 

 

“Okay.” he huffs, standing in the doorway as he meets Jeongyeon's gaze. 

 

She's sitting on the edge of her bed, relaxed, until he comes in. Hands resting behind her, she sits up some so she can look. Her eyes don't go down right away. Them taking their time makes him a little insecure where he stands. But then she finally takes  _ it  _ in. 

 

He expects the embarrassment to race up his neck, but not the heat that shows up somewhere much lower. 

 

“I think five is perfect.” 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Does it feel weird?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

She finds his eyes again, “Come here.” 

 

He hasn't swallowed since stepping out, but his mouth is dry by the time he stops in front of her. She keeps her gaze low, eyes tracing the length under his pants like the way her fingers are. He can't really feel anything at all, yet his body reacts otherwise. 

 

“Does this make you uncomfortable?”

 

“I… I don't know.”

 

“Okay.” she lets her hands go back to the bed, “I'll let you feel everything out for yourself then.” 

 

Her joking tone gets washed away by the nervousness in her voice. She gives him a reassuring smile. 

 

“I just… I’m not used to feeling this way.”

 

“What way?”

 

He’s not sure what flusters him more, the thought of saying it or the fact that he actually wants to. It’s stuck on his tongue. It’s harder to breathe right, harder to force the words out of his mouth. It’s not like Jeongyeon doesn’t know. He thinks it may be weird for her too. Unfamiliar, at least. 

 

“Do you ever wanna… do anything about it?”

 

“Sometimes.”

 

“What about now?” she muses. The silence doesn’t last long, she quickly adds, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

“I mean, same.”

 

“Well, I’m comfortable.”

 

Jiwon really isn’t sure how he feels right now. The situation is surreal. When Jeongyeon reaches out for his hands, he lets her urge him close. 

 

“Go sit against the headboard.”

 

His steps aren’t slow on purpose. Even though he’s taking his time as he sits on the edge of the bed to take off his shoes, his fingers fumble. Jeongyeon’s eyes follow him as he moves. Sitting down with the packer definitely isn’t as comfortable, but he makes it work. He just watches in anticipation as Jeongyeon gets up to join him. 

 

His hands twitch as she straddles him. As much as they want to move there themselves, his hands don’t hold her waist until she brings them there. The way her fingers brush against the back of his neck as she links her hands around him makes goosebumps appear all over. He isn’t sure when he lost his stomach, but the empty spot is quickly filling with butterflies. Way too many. 

 

“We’re not gonna do anything you don’t wanna do… Okay? So, say something if you’re uncomfortable.”

 

He can’t really focus on her words. He’s getting lightheaded. As if Jeongyeon isn’t making it hard enough to breathe, his binder is keeping him from filling his lungs properly. He’s been in it all night. Ignoring the ache in his ribs has been easy, but now he’s becoming more aware of it. It’s all making it harder to breathe. 

 

“Hey.” she tilts his chin up some, “You okay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

A small smile is tugging at the corner of her lips, “You sure?”

 

He hums, it swimming into one of satisfaction as Jeongyeon runs her hand through his hair. Kissing her doesn’t help air fill his lungs properly in the slightest, but it’s a distraction. It’s one he can entertain without trying. Jeongyeon’s lips are always so soft, but something’s different about her kiss. It’s so gentle. Yet, it’s taking him elsewhere so demandingly that he can’t think straight. 

 

While being turned on feels weird, he’s enjoying every second of it.

 

His hands start to wander on their own. He never gets too adventurous when they make-out, but his body has a mind of its own as he glides his palms up her sides. He’s hesitant to feel along the curves of her breasts. Even with Jeongyeon pushing herself forward, he moves cautiously. The weight on his lap gets heavier as she gets closer. The packer is pressing right up against him in a way that makes him beyond aware of what’s actually between his legs.

 

The enjoyment starts to fade, despite how good it feels.

 

He starts focusing on that a bit more. Jeongyeon’s weight is rocking forward a little, rubbing against him in an overwhelming way. When she breaks the kiss and starts kissing his neck, he just gazes up at the ceiling. Short of breath, Jeongyeon’s heavy breaths match his. It’s so attractive, but he keeps getting distracted by the growing wetness between his thighs. He can feel it every time Jeongyeon moves.

 

Hands barely holding onto her anymore, he can’t bring himself back. He doesn’t know if he wants her to stop or keep going. His hips are even attempting to lift a little in an effort to feel more friction, but the fact that he’s getting off by rubbing against a fake dick, one that Jeongyeon can feel but he can’t, is ripping his mind away from the pleasure he’s feeling. In fact, it puts a screeching halt to it. The butterflies in his stomach start making him feel sick. 

 

He should be enjoying this, but he can’t. 

 

He just can’t.

 

“Can-- Can we stop?”

 

Jeongyeon pulls away in an instant. The way his voice wavered makes him upset over the fact that he’s upset and he can’t look her in the eyes. He keeps his head low and doesn’t let Jeongyeon lift his chin.

 

“Babe?”

 

“Sorry--”

 

“Don’t be.” she’s flustered and concerned, voice still not all there yet, “It’s okay.”

 

She sits up properly and he’s relieved when her weight is gone. But he feels guilty about it. Why can’t he enjoy this? She did so much only for him to ruin it. It’s not fair to her. It’s not fair to either of them, and that’s the worst part. 

 

Why  _ can’t _ he enjoy this? In the moment, it’s so blatantly obvious as to why and it just isn’t fair. He can’t enjoy anything normally in his body. It’s a domino effect, the way his thoughts start to crumble the confidence he usually has around Jeongyeon. 

 

He can’t even be intimate with his girlfriend normally because he isn’t normal.

 

“Jiwon.”

 

Ashamed of himself and the tears in his eyes, he still won’t look up.

 

“I don’t want you to cry, but don’t feel like you can’t.”

 

He doesn’t want to and he isn’t going to. He swears he’s going to keep it in, but then Jeongyeon pulls him into her arms. He needs to, but that’s not why he lets the tears take over. 

 

It’s just, in her arms, he feels like he  _ can _ . 

 

➰➰➰

 

Walking home after school, Jeongyeon squeezes his hand as she asks, “Do your parents know?”

 

“About what?”

 

“About us?”

 

“No.”

 

“They don’t know your trans either, right?”

 

“That is correct.”

 

“Well, I told mine. About you being my boyfriend. Not about the other part.” 

 

He just looks over to her, waiting to hear where exactly she’s going with this. She gives him a smile before continuing nonchalantly, “They want to meet you. Would you want to have dinner with us tomorrow?”

 

“I… Do I?”

 

“They’re not gonna care about who you are.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive.”

 

➰➰➰

 

Holding up a bottle of something that looks kind of scary, Jeongyeon’s dad wonders, “Do you drink, boy?”

 

“No.” he laughs in bewilderment, “Not really.”

 

“That’s a lie.” Jeongyeon insists as she stuffs a forkful of pasta in her mouth.

 

“This’ll put hair on your chest.”

 

Her dad pours him a glass anyway and brings it over as he takes a seat. Her mom just chuckles at the look still sitting on Jiwon’s face. She laughs even more as he reacts to the smell of the glass’ contents.

 

“Don’t feel pressured to drink that.”

 

“Don’t be a bitch.” 

 

He just glances back-and-forth between Jeongyeon and her mother, who while look quite similar, act  _ very  _ different from each other. Jeongyeon is more like her dad, he’s starting to realize. His nerves were forcefully melted down at the door, as he’d been welcomed with such kindness and warmth that he couldn’t do anything but relax. The night has gone well so far. Almost so well that he doesn’t trust it.

 

It seems to be Jeongyeon’s dad’s mission, however, to earn it.

 

“I collect a lot of antique daggers and such. Jeongyeon’s never been interested in them, but I can show them to you after we eat if you want to see.”

 

“Oh. Yeah, no. That sounds really cool actually.”

 

Even when dinner’s eaten and done, they all are at the table for almost an hour after the fact. Jeongyeon’s parents are easy to talk to. Jiwon ends up talking about things he hadn’t even imagined bringing up with them. It’s nice. Relaxing compared to spending time at home with his own parents. His own parents don’t even care about him as much as Jeongyeon’s do.

 

With the way she keeps smiling throughout the night, Jeongyeon seems like she loves the fact that they’re hitting it off even more than he does.

 

➰➰➰

 

“It’s almost summer. What’s your goal before senior year starts?”

 

“Am I supposed to have one?”

 

“Mine is to get a fucking job.”

 

He sighs, “I need to get one too.”

 

They’re at the park, just watching the playground from the swinging bench. His eyes follow some kid running as he tries to think of what goals he has. He has plenty he  _ needs _ to have. That’s for sure. He needs to move out by graduation, that’s really all he ever thinks about. He can’t start hormones until he does that. It’s hard to care about anything else when he’s not even who he wants to be yet. 

 

Jeongyeon’s fingers reach to play with the pendant on his necklace, “I think you should try to stop smoking.”

 

“I could.”

 

“You should.”

 

“Fine. Let’s make that my goal then.” 

 

She tugs on the necklace some, “You promise?”

 

“Yeah. I’ll try.”

 

“Good.” she hums in satisfaction as she cuddles up closer to rest her head on his shoulder, “Because I love you and don’t want to have to worry about your dumbass getting sick or something. It’s not good anyway, but there’s no way that’s good for you since you bind so much.”

 

“I… I heard none of that sentence after you said I love you.”

 

She doesn’t even look at him, even though she  _ has _ to know how shocked he is. He doesn’t even know what to say and the silence disappears when Jeongyeon lets out a dramatic sigh before sitting up to gaze at him.

 

“Don’t make it a big deal. It’s not surprising and I already know you love me too.”

 

“W-- What--?”

 

“Am I wrong?”

 

“I mean, no, but--”

 

“We’re not making it a big deal. Just take it like a man.”

 

“What are you even--?”

 

Faking it until she makes it, she looks off towards the playground as if what’s happening isn’t a big deal, “What did I say?”

 

The sun reflecting in her eyes is making them shine, as always. But it looks so different. Jiwon is smiling in disbelief, but also at the color her cheeks are taking. He could  _ totally _ mess with her, but he knows better. 

 

Besides, Jeongyeon is beautiful like this. 

 

“Well, even though it’s not a big deal, I love you too.”

 

“I know.”

 

She squeals as he suddenly attacks her cheek with kisses. 

 

It’s the first time, he thinks, that he’s excited for what’s to come. The seasons ending and beginning never bring him anything, but this year is going to be different now.

 

It’ll have to be with Jeongyeon. 


End file.
